I hate kids
by Ivanfanatic
Summary: It's postwar in Tellius and Ike and the gang are forced to find other work. Everyone has a job except for Soren, who is forced by Ike to babysit the demonic children of one of Elincia's maids.


Note: Yeah. Another story I probably won't ever finish. Few notes here... Yeah, don't expect this chapter to blow you out of the water. It's just a prologue if anything. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to accomplish here, but the idea of Soren babysitting two little monster children is a fun idea. The next couple of chapters will be more of the actual Soren torture. This is just the calm before the storm. Again, I proofread best I could. I've actually been working on this piece since the middle of June. I just... I forgot about it.

* * *

At last, peace returned to the continent of Tellius. Beorc and Laguz alike now worked together to help restore the cities and villages that were destroyed during the war. Racism dwindled and unity grew. This was a slow process, but nonetheless things had begun to return to normal.

All but normal for the Greil Mercenaries. With the war over, an expanded company, and a far less amount of problems in the world, there wasn't a lot of work out there for them to do. Bills had to be paid, food needed to consumed, and that damn roof needed to be replaced where lightning had struck during a thunderstorm. Ike had no choice but to help his comrades find new jobs.

Oscar got lucky and landed a job as a chef for a small construction company in Caldea. Boyd got the unlucky job of working as a roofer for the same construction company. Third day on the job he fell off the roof for the seventh time. Gatrie and Shinon worked shifts as watch guards for ships in the port city of Talma, and Mia and Titania worked as cleaning maids for an inn. That left Mist and Rolf to stay at home and keep house while everyone was at work.

Every two weeks Ike would return from Melior where he would aid Princess Elincia in whatever she needed, and he was given a decent sum for this, but there was nothing Soren could do. As outcast as the branded were, the common people had no idea what the heck that birthmark was on Soren's forehead nonetheless what a branded actually looked like. Also, it didn't help that Soren looked like a child. He was still a bit older than Mist and Rolf, but he wasn't exactly skilled at convincing employers he was an adult, either.

It wasn't until that fateful Friday night when Ike came home from work that Soren would actually WISH another war would begin. He was in the kitchen and had just finished washing the dishes when Ike entered the room.

"Hey Soren."

"Hello Ike."

"Hey, um… listen. I know you don't like kids-"

"I hate kids."

"Just hear me out!" Ike begged. Soren put the towel he used to dry the dishes with on the counter and took a seat at the table. "Okay… we're in need of money and no one will hire you, right?"

"…"

"I know you don't like kids, but there's this maid who works for Elincia that needs a babysitter. It's just for the summer. The school should be rebuilt by the time autumn arrives and then maybe you can try to find another job."

"Ike, that's three months."

"I know."

"I hate kids and I have a terrible feeling about this."

"Please, Soren? We really need the money."

"I hate kids." Soren repeated for the third time. Ike sighed, and then looked towards the barracks and then towards the hallway. He took a step forward and leaned in close to Soren's ear.

"Soren…"

"Yes?"

"If you don't take this job, I'm going to tell everyone that it was actually you who put that hole in the roof and not a thunderstorm."

"FINE."

"Good!" Ike beamed, "We leave early Sunday morning. Go pack up for the week. I have an apartment we can stay at in Melior."

"I couldn't be more excited." Soren falsified a smile and stiffly walked out of the kitchen.

* * *

It was about midnight when Ike and Soren finally arrived in Melior. They were supposed to leave at 6 that morning but Boyd managed to use all the hot water and Soren refused to leave until he had his shower. Truth of the matter was that Soren had hoped to stall Ike long enough for Ike to change his mind about this babysitting ordeal, but after a long two hours Soren had given up.

"What do you think, Soren?" Ike opened the door to the small apartment. The apartment opened to a small living room which was connected to a kitchenette in the corner. A small hallway lead to a bathroom and a single bedroom, and there was a closet in the hallway. "The couch pulls out into a bed but if its uncomfortable I can order you a bed."

"The couch is fine." Soren grumbled and dropped his bag beside the sofa. "Let's just get this over with…"

"Alright, I'm going to bed." Ike yawned, "I'll see you in the morning."

Naturally, Soren did not sleep well that night. There were springs that poked him through the couch bed and the light from the kitchen window which illuminated the living room distracted him from any attempt to sleep. It was mostly the fact that he would have to take care of two children under the age of 10 for more than 8 hours a day that bothered him. It would go to far to say that Soren actually hated children. Soren had very little experience with small children at all. Titania and Greil had always been around to watch over Mist and Rolf and Soren was not much older than the two of them to begin with. Still, Ike did have a point. Soren needed a job and if this was the best there was, well… bring it on.

* * *

"Good morning, Ike!" A cheerful looking woman opened the door. The first thing Soren noticed was that everything about her was plain. From the brown hair on her head to the black shoes on her feet, there was nothing particularly interesting about her. Soren randomly deduced that her children were the same way, and hoped they would have personalities to match their mother's boring looks. "So this must be Soren!"

"Yes ma'am. Nice to meet you." Soren greeted her with a head nod.

"Well aren't you a cute little thing!" The woman chuckled and pinched his cheeks. Soren's face turned a strange color of red and Ike tried not to laugh.

"Um… Pam, he doesn't really…"

"Oh, sorry." The woman named Pam jerked her hands back in embarrassment. "Sorry about that, I just get so excited sometimes… Well since you're the new babysitter you should probably meet the little rascals! Robert! Suzanne! Come meet your new babysitter!" The small pitter patter of tiny feet echoed throughout the house and the door on the left opened and two children walked out. The boy was dressed in a blue shirt and brown shorts and the girl was dressed in a pink dress. Both shared their mother's generic look. "Bobby, Suzie, this is your new babysitter, Soren!"

"Hello Soren!" The children chimed in unison.

"…Hi." Soren felt awkward. Something wasn't exactly right about these children.

"I have a note on the fridge with how you can reach me in case there's an accident." Pam explained, "My husband's place of work is also listed and his name is also Robert. I have some bread on the counter and there's some meat and cheese in the cellar for lunch. There's a local playground around here if you want to take the kids out for some fresh air later. Bobby is 8 and Suzie is 6 so you don't have to worry about changing any diapers." Pam chuckled to herself. "Do you have any questions?"

"None that I can think of." Soren admitted.

"Alright. I'll be home a little after 5." Pam grabbed her bucket of cleaning supplies and her purse. "Be good, you two!" She gave the two kids each a hug and a kiss.

"We will, mother." The kids creepily chimed again.

"Bye guys!" Pam waved and walked down the road with Ike at her side. Soren watched them for a second, then slowly stepped inside and shut the door behind him.

"Alright, you two-!" Soren's heart nearly leaped out his chest. Just a second ago there were two children in front of him. He swallowed hard and stood very still. There was a faint giggle from the room ahead of him. _Ha. That's where they are. _He thought to himself. _They're probably just playing a little game with me and trying to be cute… I hope. _Soren slowly crept forward in the direction of the giggle and stopped just outside the door. He looked down and he could see a shadow move back and forth from under the door. Ha. Stupid kids. With that Soren grabbed the handle and pushed the door open and expected to hear two little kids scream and giggle. What he didn't expect was to trip over a rope tied from the leg of the kitchen table to one of the cabinets and land face first on the stone floor.

"Get 'em, Bobby!" Suzie cried out. Before Soren could make another move, his hands and legs were bound together behind his back and a dirty sock was shoved in his mouth.

"That was far too easy, Suzie!" Bobby stood in front of Soren and spun some of the leftover rope in his hand. "What should we do first?"

"Mom bought a lot of that frozen flavored ice stuff the other day!" Suzie jumped up and down. "It's in the cellar! It's the kind with LOTS AND LOTS of SUGAR!"

"Yeah! But what should we do about him?" Bobby pointed to the rather irritated Soren on the kitchen floor.

"Just leave him. It's not like he'll be going anywhere anytime soon." Suzie snorted. "C'mon! Let's go find that flavored stuff!"

Soren watched miserably as Bobby and Suzie escaped to the cellar to eat pound upon pound of frozen sugary death. He knew there had to be a catch to these kids and well… he was right. Again. _The only comfort in this mess is that Ike is going to catch hell from me if I survive today. _He thought as he spat out the dirty sock. Still, that was a long way off as it was only 7 in the morning. His first task of the day was… To find a way to free himself from these ropes. For a 9 year old Bobby had tied up Soren rather well. Soren looked about the kitchen for something he could use to possibly try and cut the ropes with when he spotted a knife on the kitchen floor; the one Bobby used to cut the rope in the first place. If he worked quickly, it might not be too late to save his nerves and his mind from sugar crazed children.

Ten minutes later, Soren finally had himself free of the ropes. His wrists and ankles stung from the rope burns but he paid them no mind as he dashed down the cellar stairs. A look of horror spread on his face when he saw Bobby and Suzie covered in rainbow goo. He was too late. They had already consumed the 3 pounds of sugary pre-modern ice cream.

* * *

Don't hate me Soren fans. You want to see Soren get attacked by screaming, ravenous children and you know it.


End file.
